Piccolo's Blind Date
by the Red Nothing
Summary: A quiet morning at Dende's Place will turn out to be Piccolo's worst nightmare! Akai Ku comes over and reveals that she's arranged a blind date for Piccolo with the Spawn of Hell (in Piccolo's eyes). Now, he's on a date with her at the amusment park: Whe
1. Akai Ku: Messenger of Death

  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own DBZ. The End.  
  
Piccolo's Blind Date  
  
Piccolo yawned and got out of his bed at Dende's Place. Mr. Popo had brought in Piccolo's breakfast (water) and set it on the table. Piccolo was about to drink up when there was a knock on his door.  
  
{Could be Dende, wanting advice for something, so instead of asking Mr. Popo, he decided to bother ME...} Piccolo was thinking as he stood up. {Or maybe it IS that annoying Genie, wanting to do my laundry for the same number of times as my power level (read: A big number) this week.} This went through his head as Piccolo walked toward the door. {Or,} he thought, on a more pleasant note, {it might be Gohan dropping by; haven't seen him for awhile.} Gohan was one of the few living people that didn't annoy the hell out of Piccolo. Piccolo was thinking this as he reached out for the doorknob, and then his eyes widened in sheer terror. {Oh no, what if it's...?!} He opened the door.  
  
"Hiya Kamiccolo!" Akai Ku said, beeming. Piccolo responded by slamming the door in her face. Akai shrugged, expecting this, and walked right in anyway.  
  
"Sorry, Piccolo, I said that to try to annoy you..." Akai said meekly. Piccolo allowed himself a slight guffaw. "Don't worry kid: Your mere PRESENCE annoys me."  
  
Akai smiled and nodded stasticly. "I love you too, Piccolo. Now, today we're going to..."  
  
The Namek raised a hand, silencing her. "I don't know what this 'We' is going to do, but I am going to stay here and train and you are going to leave RIGHT NOW."  
  
Akai chuckled. "No, I think you've been single long enough. So I've fixed you up with a.... BLIND DATE!!"  
  
Piccolo dropped his glass of water. "You...did.... WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?!" He paused, swallowing huge gulps of air to replace all of that oxygen he had just expelled. Then, he SMILED."Akai, you COULDN'T get a date for me: I'm big, and green, and irratable!" {And damn proud of it, if it means I can get out of going on a date with some stupid human} he thought. Satisfied with his response, Piccolo decided to go about picking up the glass shards on the floor, before Mr. Popo came in and had a nervous breakdown.  
  
"But Piccolo," said Akai with an EVIL grin on her face, "I know someone who's DESPERATE...  
  
No response.  
  
"Chibi Usa."   
  
{NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!} thought Piccolo on the inside, though on the outside, he merely passed out.  
=====================================  
  
Arg! Fate worse than death! R&R, please ^_^  
  
  



	2. One Way Ticket To Hell

Disclaimer: I don't own Piccolo, or (thank God!) Chibi Usa. I DO, however, own Akai Ku.   
  
Piccolo's Blind Date, Part 2  
  
"Uhn..." Piccolo was just waking up. Although groggy, he knew immediately that he wasn't at Dende's Place, or "home". The air REEKED with the smell of sugar: You could almost SEE the individual sugar molecules in the air, and he screaming of children was AWFUL: Especially to Piccolo's sensitive Namekkian ears.  
  
The Namek warrior soon realized he was tied up with sturdy, twine ropes. {Akia's doing,} he correctly assumed. He was about to bust out of them (you think a dude who's a near match for Imperfect Cell and even Perfect Cell later in the series is gonna' be held by ROPES?!), when he was attacked by horrifying....  
  
...PINKNESS.  
  
"Hi!" The painfully perky voice squealed right into his poor ears, "I'm Chibi Usa! And I like dreams and horsies and candy and princesses!" {Damn you Akai,} thought Piccolo-sama bitterly as he listened to the pink-haired Usa rant, {Damn you to Hell.}  
  
"Anyway, Akai Ku fixed me up with you, Mr. Piccolo sir." She giggled. "I've always wanted a boyfriend, because they're always in dreams and so romantic and.... Oh, Piccolo, I think I might have talked a bit much..."  
  
{No, REALLY?!} thought Piccolo angrily.  
  
"...so tell me what kind of things you like!"   
  
Piccolo decided to get a good scope of his surroundings before answering, so that, when he died, he could explain in great detail the Hell in which he had already experienced to the judges, so he would undoubtedly get free passage unto Heaven.  
  
There were many "food" shops. Not that he would care, as he didn't eat, but the food looked DISGUSTING. A sign read: "Salty Joe's Fries: The greasy, taste-free alternative to a decent meal". There were things that appeared to be torture devices, with names like "The Puke-O-Whirl," and scary dancers that looked like Android #19. Then, finally, it hit Piccolo: This was an amusement park!  
  
"I like..." Piccolo hissed through gritted teeth, "...ANYTHING but these damned blind dates!!"  
  
Chibi Usa's cute, innocent (yeah, RIGHT!) blue eyes welled up with tears. {Oh shit, NOW I've done it...}  
  
  
"WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
  
{Oh Dende make her stop,} thought Piccolo in panic, {make her stop stopstopstopstopstopstop...}  
He shouted out into the sky, his scream louder than Usa: "AKAI KU, OMAE O KORUSU!!!!!"  
  
++++++++++++++++  
'K. R&R, please. Oh yeah, notes: I know Omae o korusu is "Heero's Line," but he's not the only person who wants to say "I'm going to kill you," in Japenese.  
  
The "Salty Joe's" gag is from the N64 video game, "Banjo-Tooie," which is a stitch. ^_^  
  



	3. "Fun" 'n Games (about as "fun" as "FUNim...

  
  
  
  
  
  
OK, this is a bit longer than my other ones! Special thanks to the nameless reviewer, who gave me inspiration to put my other 3 muses in the story (if I showed up just yet, the date would end as Piccolo killed me). A note: My parents are divorced, and only my dad has a computer, so that's why it may take a bit longer to get chapters up here than it takes other people.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Dragonball (that inclose Z and GT) and I don't own Sailor Moon, or else I would have burnt it. watches SM fans throw knives at her*   
======================================================  
Piccolo, unless he wanted to suffer brain damage from the screams, just decided to go with Little Miss Sugar Brain, or what ever the hell her dorkey battle name was, until he saw Akai, at which point he would wring her little neck.   
  
{Besides,} he thought, almost lustfully, {this will give me PLENTY of time to think up multiple ways to kill her...} He "snapped out of it" when he and his "date" arrived at a "candy store," where "people" were putting "words" in "quotation marks". (Sorry for the OOST humor. )  
  
No, seriously, it was a candy store, and Usa wanted (what else?) candy.  
  
"Let's get some candy, Picci!" Piccolo winced at her billion percent perky voice.  
  
Piccolo was about to say he didn't eat because he worshipped some plant, but then he noticed the cashier.  
  
"Mik...au?" Piccolo mouthed. The musical Zora was wearing one of the dorky striped hats, and his sleek, tatooed face creased very slightly as he frowned. "Akai-chan talked me into it. A LOT of us are going to be popping up in this fic, thanks to some dumb-ass reviewer, dude...."  
  
******   
Meanwhile, at Dende's Place...  
  
"HEY!!" Akai Ku yelled from where she was watching "the fun" with Dende and Popo, "That reviewer kicked @$$!!"  
  
"Miss Ku," said Mr. Popo nervously, "please do not swear in this holy place..."  
  
"I said '@$$' not 'ass' stupid!" Dende slapped his hand against his forehead as he continued concentrating so that both Popo and Akai could watch...   
  
He didn't really want to do this to Piccolo-samma, but...  
  
  
*************************************  
  
After a lot of screaming from Usa, Piccolo bought her the candy. Curious (or just plain bored), he checked the ingredients:  
  
Sugar, Rocks, Sugar, Artificial Flavors, Sugar, Red 3, Sugar, White 2  
  
"Figures...." the Namekkian grumbled, as he and Usa arrived at one of those "Knock Down The Bottles and Win a Stupid Prize, Like An Automatic Nose-Hair-Plucker". However, the prizes were these obnoxious stuffed animals, Usa-sized, hearts with bodies. Guess who wanted one?  
  
  
"Picci-chan," she said,in a SICKENING voice, "win me a dolly..."   
  
Piccolo grimaced. "Number one:Gohan can call be Piccolo-chan, Dende can call me Piccolo-chan; Hell, when I'm in a good mood AKAI can get away with calling me Piccolo-chan! But to YOU, Oh Princess of Pink, it's Piccolo-SAMA!" He gritted his teeth. "And never, EVER call me Picci again, unless you want to see what your own ki-burnt intestines look like....!"  
  
Chibi Usa's lips began to quiver. "Oh no," moaned a familiar voice from behind the counter, "NOW you're gonna' get her crying!"   
  
If Piccolo couldn't just simply recognize the voice, he knew who the young man behind the counter was by just looking at him, even though the kid's back was turned. The braid was inmistakable: Duo Maxwell.   
  
"Duo, what the he-" But poor Piccolo was cut off...  
  
"WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
( Now, as you may know, Names have superior hearing, as shown that Piccolo could hear everything when Trunks told Gook that Mr. Badman was his dad. So, he's standing two inches away and....)  
  
"RAG!" roared Piccolo as he clutched his ears. Maxwell went berserk.  
  
"GOOD LORD JESUS, MAKE HER STOP!!!!!" Usa did stop long enough to let Piccolo ask a question.  
  
"Who's Jesus?" Duo blinked.   
  
" Uhm, the religious dude... See?" He held out the crucifix necklace around his neck.  
  
"Never heard of him," said Piccolo, carefully examining the amulet, "We have this green kid like me named Dende. In fact, before him, half of me was God."  
  
Duo raised an eyebrow. "Half?"...  
  
******************  
  
At Dende's place...  
  
"D-chan," said Akai, "make Usa scream again before this conversation gets too religious."  
  
Dende sighed. "Will do..."  
*********  
  
As Rini screamed some more, Duo just threw her a doll. "HERE!! TAKE IT!! NOW SHUT THE HFIL UP AND LEAVE!!!" Rini hugged her doll happily and began walking around, humming The Piccolo Song:  
  
Piccolo is really cool,  
Cool,   
Cool,  
Piccolo is...  
  
Piccolo cringed. {Not again...} he thought. He then heard Usa scream in terror. He ran toward the sound, not because he wanted to help Rini, but because if she was in pain, HE wanted to see it.  
  
Piccolo looked kind of disappointed. Rini was fine: She was cowering in front of a   
HORRIBLY cheesy Perfect Cell costume.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEK! It's Cell! Piccolo, save me!!!!"  
  
Piccolo rolled his eyes. "Usa, shut up: It's a costume."  
  
Usa blinked back tears as she sighed in relief. "You mean... it can't hurt me?"  
  
{If only it could..." Piccolo was thinking when he felt a weight in his cloak pocket *Does he HAVE pockets?!*. The freak in the costume was trying to pick his pocket. Instinctively, Piccolo decked "Cell" in the face. There was a familiar shout.  
  
"ORIAS?!" Piccolo yelled. Orias coughed up blood. "Yup, that's me... Good bye." And with that, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he died.  
*********  
  
"OH MY!!" Shouted Mr. Popo at Dende's Place, upon seeing Muse 04 die. "WHAT WILL WE DO?!"  
  
"Dragonballs," mumbled Akai, in an almost bored tone. "I'll bring him back in the last chapter."  
  
Dende looked at her. "When IS this fic going to end?!"  
  
Akai Ku shrugged. "Dunno; either next chapter or the one after...."  



	4. Don't Slay The Messenger! (you might nee...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Jack. Or Bob, either. Or DBZ or SM. ARE YOU HAPPY IN SHAMING ME?! And sorry this was so late: Me had writer's block. Oh yeah, this hasn't been edited/reread very much, so it's kinda' crappy.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
Piccolo's Blind Date: Part Four  
  
Piccolo was really _NOT_ _HAPPY_. Rini was dragging him to Dende-only-knows where on this little "date," that Akai had just set up for the fun of it.  
  
"Oh no..." said Piccolo as they reached the attraction.   
  
It read "Tunnel of Love".  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
"Oh, Kami..." moaned Popo, feeling sorry for the deity that was part of Piccolo. Dende shook his head.  
  
"Akai Ku, this is going to stop, and it is going to stop NOW!" Akai, surprisingly, nodded in agreement.   
  
"Yeah, I know, even _I_ have to draw the line SOMEWHERE!" And with that, she Instant-Transmitted to the theme park.  
  
"She can do that?" asked a bewildered Mr. Popo. Dende sighed. "She's the author, Popo: She can do anything..."  
  
================================  
  
Piccolo's eyes got wide, his head got big, and he went generally chibi as he squeaked, "Help.".  
He was about to murder someone, but dammit, CHI-CHI was there, Dende only knows why, and if he acted violently in front of her.... no more training with Gohan, that was for sure!  
  
Just then, a young girl, about twice Rini's age, dressed as a park worker, came up to the Pink Freak. Piccolo immediately recognized her as Akai, and was about to kill her when she mouthed the words:  
  
"I'll get you out of this."  
  
Piccolo nodded and flashed a quick, devilish smile. {The kid may be insane,} he thought, {but when she wants to do something, especially something EVIL, she gets it done.} He paused. { I think that's why I put up with her. She saves me from these freaky fangirls (Gomen Piccolo fangirls! I just think Piccolo said it all when he said, remarking on Krillin and #18: "If this is what you humans call love, I think I'll pass." I am a Piccolo FAN, not a fanGIRL. I have many Piccolo-samma fangirl friends : I'm just not one! Gomen...), annoys me, gives me a sparring partner, annoys me, gives me a wake-up call at two AM, annoys me-}  
  
  
  
But Akai interrupted his thoughts as she walked over to Rini. "Uhm, Ms. Pinky?" Usa whirled around. "I am NOT 'Ms.Pinky'!" she squeaked as the author rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Ms Sugarpuff."  
  
Usa fumed. "WHAT-EVER!! YOU CAN BE SO MEAN!! I'M GETTING MY BOYFRIEND TO-"  
  
Piccolo got VERY pale at this remark, and Akai decided she'd better get moving, before a newspaper headline reading "MYSTERIOUS GREEN ALIEN ENDS LIFE VIA CANDY CANE THROUGH HEAD". She sighed. "Uhm, Usa," she said, almost unwilling to get her name right, "this is sorta' dangerous. With the water, you could drown. So we need you to take...uh, a swimming test!"  
  
Usa shook her head so hard that her tiny, 100% sugar brain could be heard rattling inside of her cranium. "Nu-uh! My dress is sooooo pretty, if I were to get it wet, I dunno WHAT I'd do!" Akai banged her head against the ticket booth a few times before coming up with an idea.   
  
"But PICCOLO would be so proud of you if you did..." Piccolo blinked a few times. "NO, I really WOULN-" Akai shot him a look. {It's part of the plan,} thought Piccolo. "Uhm, yes, I'd be QUITE proud," he said, cringing.  
  
At this, Usa immediately jumped into the water. Akai cracked up as a Tunnel of Love boat came whizzing by, splitting open Usa's skull, causing her tiny brain to spill into the water.  
  
"Eeew...." said Duo, who had just walked over, wrinkling his nose. Akai grinned wickedly as Mikau, who had been propelling the boat, leapt out of the water. "Well, I wasn't about to let her get off easily." She motioned for her three living muses to follow as she walked away.   
-------------------------------------  
  
Back at Dende's place, Orias had been revived, and everyone was sitting around in Piccolo's room. ....well, save for Akai, who was having her neck wrung, courtesy of Piccolo.   
  
"Are you EVER going to fix me up on a blind date AGAIN?!" "N-no," gasped Akai.  
  
Orias was cracking up.  
  
Piccolo smiled. "Good," he said as he unceremoniously dropped her to the floor with a thud and walked out the door to train. Akai smirked.   
  
"Well....not for awhile, anyway....heeheeheee...."  
  
The End?  
  
---------  
Gomen it took so long. I know it was stupid, but please R&R anyway.   



End file.
